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In light of this ministry and the calling upon my life, it is Holy Spirit who is asking me to give my own personal testimony in truth and in all righteousness and to His own glory. And so in honor of my Lord Jesus the Christ, I will be obedient to this call and to what the Lord is asking me to do. In all truth, I have not ever given my testimony in full aspect, but only in pieces. But because the Lord tells us to confess our sins one to another and to pray for each other, I will do this in honor of other Christians as well as Jesus Christ our Lord.

I was five years old when I first was called into the ministry of Jesus Christ our Lord, a day I will not ever forget. Being raised by my grandparents who adopted me when I was about three years old, I was raised in a strict Pentecostal home. At the age of 7 years old, I was returned to my mother and her new husband and began a new life with them. My parents who were not active in the faith and in the things of Christ did not support church attendance or knowledge of Christ while growing up. This in itself was a major turning point for me in my life. Now because the Devil knew that I had been called into ministry, this also had an agenda to play in my life. My parents who were involved in the occult and demonic practices they saw as harmless were actually quite devastating and would prove to be so in years to come.

At the age of 9 was when my story really begins, with major twists and turns that were far more than I could literally comprehend. In school I was always being called Fag, or gay and that I should have been a girl and all kinds of negative statements were made each and everyday that I lived without end. Many guys would attempt to have sex with me who were around my own age and even those who were older. I could not understand why all these people were saying these things in regards to my own personage, since these things were not ever on my mind or anywhere near my heart. Yet I faced the ridicule and the shame of their statements day after day without end. After you hear the same things over and over you sometimes start to believe what is being said to you, and this was something I myself was beginning to believe about myself for the fact I didn't know on what grounds these accusations were coming from.

As time and years passed I finally ended up in a relationship with a friend who was of the same sex. This opened a door that would literally revolutionalize my whole existence. Like I said earlier, Satan had an agenda as well concerning me. This relationship went on till I was 18 years old, and then ended abruptly. It was at this time I had entered into a whole new world of confusion, filled with depression, sorrow and grief. A living nightmare that was far bigger than I was. It got to the point where I hated who I was and what I stood for, but for some reason I could not change the way I felt. It was then that suicide and many other things would enter my heart and mind, because I was at the point of hopelessness. I was filled with shame and remorse because of the unlawful life and desires I had and did not want, but had no idea of how to overcome them. I can remember when I was at the end of my 18th year preparing to turn 19 when this life of devastation had taken its toll. I was rude, ignorant, boastful, filled with bitterness, anger, resentment, shame and endless guilt. I hated life and I especially hated myself. I would cry out to Jesus all the time for Him to help me, where was He in all of this? This is where I am thankful to my grandparents who gave me the solid foundation on which I now stand. It was late this night and I was at the point of again attempting another suicide attempt. When this was entering my heart and mind again, I was sitting in the living room watching television. It so happened that a minister came on television at that time, his name was Pastor and Evangelist Oral Roberts. Something made me sit and listen to what he had to say, and with that I listened intently and took in every word he spoke. Holy Spirit was present as well ministering to my needs and comforting my sorrows. For even in my own ignorance I was saved and washed clean in the blood of the Lamb but knew it not. I honestly felt God was so far from me and was no longer interested in someone like me. I felt I had fallen so far from grace there was absolutely no hope for me, and hell was my future destination.

As tears flowed down my face as Oral Roberts spoke his message, Holy Spirit was also there for He was always with me, even though I did not know nor recognize Him. With that I repented again, and asked Jesus into my heart as Oral Roberts gave the altar call and offered the repentance prayer. But I was tormented on every side of my life. Satan was not going to just sit back and allow me to walk from him, he was going to do serious battle with me and did. About a week later, I was in my room listening to music, I was now 19 years old and an absolute wreck. As I lay in my room doing my own thing, it was a sudden event that had immediately occurred. I could no longer hear my music, so I opened my eyes and when I did, I was in utter darkness, it was so dark and so quiet I could not even see my own hand in front my face. It was so quiet I could hear myself breath. Where I was I do not know, what was going on, I did not know. But from no where a pin sized light could be seen as it got closer the light got bigger. But this light did not light up this darkness. As this light got closer and closer to me, I can remember myself saying, "I know who You are! I know who You are!" The light then took the form of a man, but I knew who this man was! Then He said to me, my son I want to show you something, and with that He showed me the past few years of my life like it was a movie or something. I can remember saying, "That isn't me Lord, that isn't me." But yet I could remember doing all those things I was shown, I recalled everything that was revealed to me. Finally with tears flowing down my face and with a broken heart it was the Lord who said to me, "My son, I have called you into My ministry to do My will and to do My bidding. Either you will heed the call and do my will and follow after Me, or I am going to snuff you out. If you are not for Me, than you stand against Me."

With that, the whole thing ended, I again immediately repented and called upon Jesus who was faithful to meet with me. I then left my room and asked my mom for a bible which she got for me without hesitation, in fact she was shocked I had even asked for one, since I was so rebellious and filled with such anger and bitterness. I had attempted to commit suicide in front of her and her husband several times which freaked them both out, but at that time I literally hated them both and didn't care. With that, the Lord took me from the place I was at and moved me to a different town, in which I started to attend full time a full gospel denomination. I was not up on denominations or what the differences between churches were, and this ignorance was a blessing for me. Since this gospel was all pretty much new to me, I was being shaped and formed as Holy Spirit led and guided me to the place Jesus wanted me to be.

It was then a couple of years later that I was baptized in water and then baptized in the Holy Spirit. Again the Lord did not allow anyone to place fear or doubt in me concerning these things allowing me to be open and teachable and used by the very hand of God without spiritual corruption based on fear and doubt. Thus I received all that God was offering and did so willingly. I had such a hunger to read His word and to know this God who would give me peace concerning me and all that I had done. But again, I was raised in a legalistic home, and that legalism began to play its role in me. Again, another attempt of Satan to destroy and to silence what God was attempting to do in me. I went to Bible College for a year and got some good training, but again, legalism was the trademark. But because legalism was a comfort zone to me, again in ignorance, I felt okay with what I was learning. At times even being saved, the call of bi-sexual or homosexual desires would raise its head up against me, and my flesh would start to desire what God did not honor or bless as so many would like to think that He does. With that it wasn't long before I had backslidden and drugs had entered my world now, by that I mean smoking marijuana in order to appease my flesh and to calm myself down when I was being spiritually attacked and made to feel less than a person.

Even though I had Jesus in my life, the concept of, "The truth will set you free" had no meaning to me, nor did this reality make any sense to me. For I was far from free because I was burdened and tormented day after day by the calling and desires of my flesh. Now not only did sexual immorality attack me, but because I opened the doors to drugs, these too began to torment me, and my flesh desired such things beyond measure. I would get moody and miserable because my flesh longed for these things but I would not give in to them until I could not bear the fight any longer and succumbed to my fleshes desire. The desire and call of my flesh was far stronger than I was in my own will. For years I was tormented by such things and at times I would succumb to my sexual desires with other guys who I had met and showed interest. But afterward I would begin to hate myself all over again, and the feelings of guilt and shame flooded my heart and soul. I would feel once again, forgotten by God because I had failed in His calling, and I patiently waited for God to snuff me out, because I was no longer worthy.

The pain and the anguish I went through day after day are beyond words to describe to you. A spiritual battle was taking place every day and I was completely unaware of what was really going on. I was just caught up in the middle of a brutal battle and didn't know what to do. I was too ashamed and humiliated to say anything to anyone, especially Christians who I thought would be the first to condemn and stone me. And yes there are many out there who would have, and some still do because they have battles of their own and would rather condemn another than to face their own. I know I was there and did the very same things. I would get so angry at Jesus because of the way I felt, and because He promised me freedom, but freedom was far from me, and no matter what I did, I could not be perfect or pleasing enough to God, for my own thoughts tormented me with desires that I could not control. I would hear people say to other people who would reach out, and yet they would have the same problems I was having, but being ridiculed, and mocked, and my heart went out to them.

The ignorance of some people is beyond measure. They would say things, like change and do it right. But how can a man change on his own? This only reinforced me hiding behind the secrets I had and would not share with anyone. For serving Jesus was of far more importance to me than sharing my testimony. Especially after I would witness these very ones condemn another being tormented as I was. Their lack of understanding was not to their own glory, nor to the benefit of their hearers. For many took Satan's voice and actions and condemned a person for their shortcomings, which to me was so wrong and evil because I knew what they were going through, but no one knew what I was going through. So I continued to wear a mask and hide the real me and just reveal the Jesus in me as best I knew how. Even in ministry these very things plagued me, and tormented me without end, it was a nightmare and I could not find this freedom Jesus talked about and promised to His children. I would back slide and come back time and time again.

I finally had taken a wife because I did and do love this woman, in fact she was the first woman I did ever love outside of my mother and grandmother. I did not find women exotic or sexually attractive at all. But something about my wife moved me and did something to me. Even though I had sex with several women over the years, I honestly believed it was because I had to live up to being a man. Since I did not really know what a man was or did or what they even represented, it was hard to put into focus of who I really was in Christ Jesus. I had not ever known my real father, and had no male affection while growing up, except from my friend who shared sexual encounters with me. All I had was male authority and discipline. Satan had a plan in my life and that was to destroy it, which he almost accomplished. After I had gotten married, I had a spiritual break down big time. And my wife agreed to start attending a church with me, because I just couldn't take the way of the world any longer. We started attending a full gospel church and the pastor was amazing. In fact he was the first pastor in my life whom I come to love and greatly respect. And I have known many pastors over the years.

Again God was answering my cries for help and prayers that had been offered up for more than ten years. But little did I know that Jesus had a plan for me all of this time. I will also admit at that time that I used to deliberately avoid seer's or prophets, because I knew God would reveal my deep dark secrets to them and that they would expose me and literally ruin me, if not ridicule and set out to destroy me. But my prejudgments were unfounded and literally untrue. But because of past experiences with other people it was hard to decipher one from the other, who was real and who wasn't. After all anyone could claim to be Christian, but that didn't mean they were. But this pastor loved his flock no matter what they would throw at him. I was so impressed by this man, and many times this pastor would invite me along with him on meetings and studies that he would attend and I would watch this man filled with such love and grace work in such a godly fashion in and around all these people who had severe problems, more so than my own. But his love and faithfulness would not cease toward any of them. God was using this man to show me many spiritual truths and also to reveal to me the grace, mercy, and love of God in the lives of men to the point where I desired what this man had. I talked to him about joining the Bible College which he so willingly come along side of me for and allowed me entrance to attend, which I did do.

This is where the Lord showed me through these men of faith filled with love and mercy the grace of the Living God in the life of man. After the first year, this is where I learned I was a legalist to the bone and grace was no where near my tent. I was so deceived and lied to thus Satan was having a hay day with me. But when God opened my eyes and I saw the truth and I saw the grace and accepted it freely and willingly that my whole life again took another revolutionary change, but this time for the better; and it was at this time that I understood what Jesus meant "The truth will set you free". Because I was truly free indeed, for the first time in my life I understood a major gospel theory and so vitally important in and through this Christian walk and life we all live in and under Christ Jesus. I no longer back slide, I no longer partake of bi sexual or homosexual acts, and even if my flesh should rear up and desire such things, I do not have to feel ashamed or be filled with guilt, for I simply cast down those thoughts and replace them with praise and worship and the Spirit of the Living God who dwells in me overcomes my sinful desires and allows me the freedom to come before Him in His throne room found in heaven and bow down and to kiss His feet and to give Him praise and glory, thus I now stand victorious even to this day. And that was over ten years ago.

I have come a long way, and indeed it has been no picnic, but now I stand strong against legalism and literally despise and hate the very thought of it, and will not tolerate it in this ministry. I counsel many who will not get good or sound counsel in other places, but give all glory to Jesus Christ for what He has done and is still doing in my life. For it is God's promise to bring to completion the work first started in me. It was at this time that the Lord revealed to me that atheists and homosexuals are not a reality but are influenced by demonic beings set out to destroy those who do not know who they are in Christ Jesus. Thus I do not accept the testimony of atheists and homosexuals who choose to live deceived and counterfeit lives filled with demonic deceit inspired straight from the pit of hell. I will stand firm on what I know and have come to understand. These people cannot change on their own by their own doings, it is literally impossible to do, because it's a spiritual war, a battle only God can win in you and I, but these people need the help of Holy Spirit and the power of the Living God who is greater in me than he that is in this world in order to change and to come into the truth of what is real and what is not. My flesh is a lie, and desires lies and deception, thus I stand in the freedom Christ promised to me, and each day that freedom grows and enhances itself the stronger I become in and under Christ as I learn to die to my flesh and resurrect daily in the spirit. I have been called into ministry and will honor my Father in this, and will do all that He asks me to do, for I owe Him so much, for the freedom He gives is incomparable to anything found in this world, where there is no freedom but only bondage and shame.

I know what it is like now to live in peace and to be tranquil, and to trust in Jesus with all that I am and to be dependant on Him in all things. I have been through so much, and have gone down so many wrong roads, but God is always so faithful and so true in all things, and His word has proven true in my own life, and that I have to tell the world of His wondrous love and works. There is hope and there is life outside of this flesh, there really is, and when you come to find it, you too will walk victorious in and under Christ Jesus who enables and strengthens us to do so. Then you can go out to a lost and dying world and tell them the truth of what is and what is not and be able to do so without condemning, judging, or ridiculing another individual, but to call them and to show them in all love that Jesus does love them and only by His help can they change and become all that God has made and called them to be. Let the name of Jesus be forever praised.

 Brian - Canada

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